Dissident sheep

Ministry
We are starting an adventurous, and challenging project in the parish. It is (Partly) in my mind a last ditch attempt to engage people in our parish in authentic outreach ministry, which it seems to me is miussing in the inward-looking nature of what we do.
Our planning meeetings have been pedestrian. I said early on in the piece reflecting my lack of organisation in particular, that it would be necessary for thisto be "driven" by someone else.
Indeed, I have a certain amount of tiredness from having to implement other people's good ideas.
Although I led the initial discernment discussions, it soon became apparent that no one would pick it up.
When the Council reflected on this I stuck to my guns and said "If we want this to fail then leave it to me to drive". D picked up the coordination and she has coordinated to 2 meetings. I have worked closely with her before and she is well-organised, and progresses things well, and tried to incorporate all those who want to be so.
I attended these meetings and inputted as a member rather than the leader.
At the last meeting I gave (what turned out to be) a lengthy input about requirements and expectations our local and diocesan community have about those engaged in pastoral ministry.
Injected into this is also a philosophy/theology of mutual ministry which requires formal participation and ongoing commitment from team members.
T, who it seems to me, borders on the obsessive (in a nice enthusiastic way) also inputted. He has recently been involved as a volunteer with a church agency because he is presently out of work.This is an important part of his life.
He reflected from this experience that everyone should have their own folder of resources so that they could refer people to appropriate agencies.
I suggested that this would work for some but not for others (myself for example). He was clearly not amused. And we were told that this was the best, perhaps the only, way to work efficiently. Some agreed with him. I remain unconvinced knowing that we have an abundance of such resources which don't get used.
I tried not to let this become an authority battle (as it didn't seem to be such to me)....but he worried it.
I tried to back peddle so as to not make it seem that I was criticising his significant effort.
This harks back (I suspect) to a worship preparation session for Trinity Suinday, in which I pushed him to try and be clkearer about what he was trying to say and do. He didn't understand this process, and just felt it was a waste of his time.
There was a sense (for me) of so far and no further.
My concerns are that I don't want to dampen his enthusiasm. I also don't want us to be the victim of someone else's compulsions which may be unrecognised and irrational.
This particular matter was not, to my mind, so important.
But the relationship dynamic threatens this important group.
I am concerned that I may be threatened by the authority dynamic that is going on here.
I am also concerned that I often tend to deal with this sort of problem by not exercising authority and walkign away from the situation. Which is what I feel tempted to do now, maybe I need to even explore this now.

Reflection
Scripture:

Tradition:

Social Perspective:

Anglican Praxis:

Dealing with depression

Ministry
Day by day I deal with depression. I decided many years ago(4 or 5) after a long period of weekly "psychotherapy" and ever increasing doses of anti-depressants that I would deal with this without medication.
This is a risk. But one I took because it seemed to me that the drug process was not working. All the medication on these tablets tells you that you take anti-depressants for 18 months to 2 years during which time you sort yourself out.
There are certain penalties to pay for any medication. A general lowering of enthusiasm and energy (emotional energy in particular) was the price I was most concerned about. I was not so much being "dumbed down" as dulled down.
This was OK when this was all at its worst, but I don't really like being dulled.
In a chance conversation, a fact that I already knew was being reinforced....a person said...Research shows that in many cases people cope as well without medication as with it.
This is not saying that the way of coping is the same, or that the feeling of well or ill being is the same.
Any way I decided that I had enough. The alleged "psychotherapy" was so non-directive that it seemed to be going nowehere. So I stopped taking my medication and 6 weeks later told the psychiatrist that I wasn't coming next year.
I think part of my motivation was to show her that I was now in a different place, and maybe she might do something
She simply accepted my decision!
I suppose looking back on this that the so called therapy did actually move me to the point where I took control of my situation.
A consequence of going-it-alone is that every now and then I have a "black dog" day. Today is that day!!
This is all right, it is part of the different way of coping. Some days I just have to acknowledge I get depressed and that I can weather it.
Today I had a curious trigger to this depression....prayer.
I downloaded yesterday some MP3s of retreat addresses by an American Jesuit. They look like they are directed to seminarians or university students.
This morning as I lay awake I began to listen to these addresses.
They were unremarkable, and quite like what any good retreat conductor would say.
God is bringing you here...take time to look for God...and so on
Quite what my local guru would say!
I became overwhelmed with a sense of how impossible all this is.
It was all fairly innocuous.
But he just wouldn't stop with his list of good ideas...and, I think, the number of invitations that God was issuing personally to me at this time,
To be closer,more prayerful, more Godly...
so I approach today with a black dog!

Reflection
Biblical: There is a link here with the man who asks ...what must I do to inherit eternal life and who goes away disappointed and sad because ....he had too much wealth. One commentator from the Orthodox tradition notes that this is a shallow question, and that Jesus elicits a deep response.
I don't know that I see it like this...but there is a point there he also says: The rich ruler did not want to give up his sins, so he went away sorrowful, very sorrowful. He encountered the God-man, and he missed Him, he lost Him.
I am rather persuaded by that sort of thinking. So also David who becomes too cocky and falls away. Although he is restored, he never seems to get quite back to where he was before.
I fear that I am like this.
Tradition: The mystery of the saints would tell us that this sort of "attack" is common. Here I was ready to go deeper and I was attacked to make me afeared St teresa of Avila and the hurling stools. This morning I retreated to the point of sexual fantasy, which I know is depression creating. It seems like a safe place...but it is the place of depression creating.
The tradition would tell us ...Be sober, be vigilant, stand firm....and as I write this and sift this reflection it rings true (even if hard)
Social Science: I also identify the flimsiness of my psychological hypothesis as I write this. Not comprehensively thought out, I think, though it seems to work. Even being able to write about a black dog day is an example of how this second strategy might work.
I need to check this out though next time I go to the doctor.
Anglican Praxis:We are a dry and reserved church. This looks like stiff upper lip, and a depression strategy. Latter day reflections would suggest that this doesn't work, and that the toll on clergy in this church has been appalling.

Conclusion
The strategy for today is to deal with it as a black dog day. No retreating. I need to check my depression analysis. And remember that our church is not sympathetic to the psychological needs of its clergy!!

A Thursday schedule

Today, being Thursday it is the end of my working week.
So I find myself with lots of things to finish.
Today, for example, I have got my daughter up for school, made her lunch, and driven her to school.
On my return I spent 10 minutes in mp3 meditation (pray as you go) which was fairly distracted, and I can't at this stage (1.30 p.m.) remember much about it.
I have answered emails, and been to pick up a plaque for a new fixture in the church. It wasn't ready.
I have arrived for the Thursday Mass at 9.40 and I with 4 others have shared the Eucharist, morning tea and a bit of chat.
I talked to my arch-nemesis abouth the forthcoming wedding extravaganza of his granddaughter.
I am torn between agreeing with him about the over the top nature of this, whilst also wanting to say to him "Don't be so mean"
Part of this is my just disagreeing with him about everything...part of this is also genuine felt feeling.
I completed the paperwork for the National Church Life Survey and that is now ready to post.
I returned home and am looking at buyiong another car.
I have had time to make this blog. To download an online retreat. And to get ready to start making some meditation materials (audio for a forthcoming seminar).
This seems like quite a lot of stuff.
Is it ordered..is it meaningful.
Is it pastoral? Is it what I a parish priest am supposed to do?
It has a degree of comfortableness about it, which is not a bad thing. (necessarily)
And is perhaps more productive....in an ad hoc sort of a way....than many days

I am avoiding contacting people...though I know that when I do "arrange things"
I get a certain sense of satisfaction out of it.

There is here the issue abotu being busy, being productive, being intentional

Underneath all this I name the issue of motivation.....what causes me to do the things that I do...and to not do what I don't.