Dealing with depression

Ministry
Day by day I deal with depression. I decided many years ago(4 or 5) after a long period of weekly "psychotherapy" and ever increasing doses of anti-depressants that I would deal with this without medication.
This is a risk. But one I took because it seemed to me that the drug process was not working. All the medication on these tablets tells you that you take anti-depressants for 18 months to 2 years during which time you sort yourself out.
There are certain penalties to pay for any medication. A general lowering of enthusiasm and energy (emotional energy in particular) was the price I was most concerned about. I was not so much being "dumbed down" as dulled down.
This was OK when this was all at its worst, but I don't really like being dulled.
In a chance conversation, a fact that I already knew was being reinforced....a person said...Research shows that in many cases people cope as well without medication as with it.
This is not saying that the way of coping is the same, or that the feeling of well or ill being is the same.
Any way I decided that I had enough. The alleged "psychotherapy" was so non-directive that it seemed to be going nowehere. So I stopped taking my medication and 6 weeks later told the psychiatrist that I wasn't coming next year.
I think part of my motivation was to show her that I was now in a different place, and maybe she might do something
She simply accepted my decision!
I suppose looking back on this that the so called therapy did actually move me to the point where I took control of my situation.
A consequence of going-it-alone is that every now and then I have a "black dog" day. Today is that day!!
This is all right, it is part of the different way of coping. Some days I just have to acknowledge I get depressed and that I can weather it.
Today I had a curious trigger to this depression....prayer.
I downloaded yesterday some MP3s of retreat addresses by an American Jesuit. They look like they are directed to seminarians or university students.
This morning as I lay awake I began to listen to these addresses.
They were unremarkable, and quite like what any good retreat conductor would say.
God is bringing you here...take time to look for God...and so on
Quite what my local guru would say!
I became overwhelmed with a sense of how impossible all this is.
It was all fairly innocuous.
But he just wouldn't stop with his list of good ideas...and, I think, the number of invitations that God was issuing personally to me at this time,
To be closer,more prayerful, more Godly...
so I approach today with a black dog!

Reflection
Biblical: There is a link here with the man who asks ...what must I do to inherit eternal life and who goes away disappointed and sad because ....he had too much wealth. One commentator from the Orthodox tradition notes that this is a shallow question, and that Jesus elicits a deep response.
I don't know that I see it like this...but there is a point there he also says: The rich ruler did not want to give up his sins, so he went away sorrowful, very sorrowful. He encountered the God-man, and he missed Him, he lost Him.
I am rather persuaded by that sort of thinking. So also David who becomes too cocky and falls away. Although he is restored, he never seems to get quite back to where he was before.
I fear that I am like this.
Tradition: The mystery of the saints would tell us that this sort of "attack" is common. Here I was ready to go deeper and I was attacked to make me afeared St teresa of Avila and the hurling stools. This morning I retreated to the point of sexual fantasy, which I know is depression creating. It seems like a safe place...but it is the place of depression creating.
The tradition would tell us ...Be sober, be vigilant, stand firm....and as I write this and sift this reflection it rings true (even if hard)
Social Science: I also identify the flimsiness of my psychological hypothesis as I write this. Not comprehensively thought out, I think, though it seems to work. Even being able to write about a black dog day is an example of how this second strategy might work.
I need to check this out though next time I go to the doctor.
Anglican Praxis:We are a dry and reserved church. This looks like stiff upper lip, and a depression strategy. Latter day reflections would suggest that this doesn't work, and that the toll on clergy in this church has been appalling.

Conclusion
The strategy for today is to deal with it as a black dog day. No retreating. I need to check my depression analysis. And remember that our church is not sympathetic to the psychological needs of its clergy!!